Healthy Communication With Your Child
by A. Dixon, RN

Communication is a two-way bridge that connects you and your child's
feelings. Healthy communication - the kind that builds a strong two-way
bridge - is crucial in helping your child develop a healthy personality
and good relationships with you and others. Healthy communication is
important bacause it helps your child: feel cared for and loved; believe
he matters and is important to you; feel safe and not all alone with his
worries; learn to tell you what he feels and needs directly in words;
learn how to manage his feelings safely so that he does not act on
feelings without thinking (or overreact); and helps your child talk to
you openly. YOU also can benefit with healthy communication. Healthy
communication helps you feel close to your child, know your child's needs,
know you have powerful tools to help your child grow, and manage your
own stress and frustrations with your child.

The American Academy of Pediatrics feels there are five building blocks
to building the two-way bridge of communication. First, a parent must be
available. Being available means being able to spend time with your child.
Even spending ten minutes a day communicating with your child makes the
bridge of communication stronger. Being available also means quickly
getting yourself into a quiet and "tuned-in" mood before you start
listening to your child or talking about something important. Being a
good listener helps your child feel loved, even when he is upset and you
can't do anything to fix the problem. Ask your child for his ideas and
feelings before beginning to talk about yours. You do not have to agree
with what your child is saying to be a good listener. It helps your child
calm down, so later he can listen to you.

Showing empathy is when you tune into your child and let him know you a
ppreciate his feelings. You can show empathy even if you disagree with
your child. Empathy is about appreciating feelings for their own sake.
It is not about who is right or wrong. Ask whether your understanding
of how he is feeling is right.If your child already feels heard and cared
for, he will be in a better mood to listen to you.

Being a good sender is another block to use when building the two-way
bridge of communication. Make sure that what you say, your tone of voice,
and what you do all send the same message. For example, if you laugh
when you say "No!", your child will be confused and will not know what
you really want. Use feeling words when you praise your child. For
example, you can say "I am so happy!" when your child puts away his toys.
Praise helps children get through the bad times. Use "I" statements to
tell your child what displeases you about his behavior. Saying "When I
couldn't find you, I felt worried and angry", is better that saying in
an angry tone "You disappeared! Where were you?" Tell your child what you
feel and think. Do not tell your child what he should think or feel.

The last building block for healthy communication is being a good
role model. Young children learn better by copying what their parents do
than by being told. Children will copy your way of communicating. When
parents use feeling words instead of screaming, doing something hurtful, or
calling someone a name, children learn that using feeling words is a better
way to deal with strong feelings. Saying feelings rather than acting on
them helps children control themselves.

Healthy communication is hard. It takes practice. However, it is never
too late to start. Remember there is a difference in sending information
("eat your vegetables", "look both ways before crossing the street") and
communicating.

There is another kind of communication known as verbal abuse. Generally,
there are three kinds of verbal abuse: name-calling, frequent criticism,
and blaming. For example, saying "You are stupid" is name-calling and
criticism; saying "I am upset with you and I wish you would stop doing
that" is not. Another form of verbal abuse is violating children's
boundaries, yelling, threatening to hurt or abandon them, and lying.
Sometimes a parent's strong emotions are too much for a young child to
handle. Children build walls between themselves and their parents when
this happens.

Children are not little adults. They can not block out screaming and
loudness the way adults can. Loud talking and yelling while standing
over children makes them feel very scared and unsafe. It hurts their
emotions, just as physical abuse hurts their bodies.

Children believe threats. Threats scare children more than you can
imagine. Threats do not help your child behave better. Lying also
violates your child's boundaries. Children believe lies. Silence is
another form of verbal abuse. Children do not know what a long period
of silence means. Silence sends a message of anger or dislike. It
makes your child feel confused and helpless. If you are silent because
you are depressed, it is better to tell your child that you are sad or
ill and that it is not about him. When you are silent, you are not being
a good sender.

Parenting is a very hard and stressful job. It is important to find
ways to help your child to behave that do not involve hurting his feelings.
It is also important to find ways to prevent stress, and to calm yourself
down when you are stressed, so that you do not say or do something harmful
to your child. Parents who are under a lot of stress may find it hard to
control strong feelings like anger, fear, frustration, or helplessness.
Again, parenting is stressful enough by itself. When you have to work
hard at communicating it can be more stressful. Practice makes perfect.
Developing healthy communication takes time but it is well worth all your
effort. Healthy communication will help you in all aspects of your life -
at home, work, church, etc.

This information was taken from a pamphlet put out by the American Academy
of Pediatrics. The pamphlet is available from the Fayette County Health
Department.

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